Differing views
by Jinxgirl
Summary: Ficlets from point of view of various Buffy/Angel characters.
1. Stigmatized

Sing for the moment

Author notes: I listed the main Buffyverse/Angelverse characters and then used my mp3 to randomly select songs for each character to base a ficlet on. Some were startlingly appropriate, others quite a stretch.

1. Buffy- "Stigmatized" by the Calling

She had never asked for this. To have her life changed, to have herself altered until the person she had been would no longer have recognized the person she was now. She hadn't wanted to change…she had never wanted to be different. In fact, the majority of her life had been spent trying to ensure that whatever and whoever she was with, she was included, that she was wanted- a part of things. Buffy's calling as a Slayer…that kind of put an end to that.

She hadn't wanted the violence, the bloodstained clothes and splintered, callous hands, the stress and responsibility that came with being the one who had to kill all the vampires and various other big bads most people had the luxury of not believing in. She hadn't wanted the necessary lies and disappointments, the knowledge that her mother thought her irresponsible when she actually had such a huge responsibility she sometimes felt it to be more than she could handle. Buffy hadn't wanted the stress, the ruined social life, the knowledge at the age of sixteen that she would probably never marry, never have children, never have a job or any kind of normal adult life… that she may in fact never get to become an adult at all.

And most of all, Buffy hadn't wanted the isolation, the loneliness, the knowledge that she could never truly give herself to another person in a relationship, for dozens, maybe even hundreds, of reasons…the number one being that as the Slayer, even when surrounded by people who loved her, in the end she stood alone. She was stigmatized, marked and set apart from all other girls in what she was, what she must do…she had not chosen, but she was Chosen.

She hadn't asked for any of it, never would have wanted it…but now that it was hers, Buffy would have been unwilling to give it up.


	2. Call on Jesus

2. Willow, "Call on Jesus" (song by Nicole C Mullen)

Lately Willow had been thinking, and for some reason she felt a little indignant… even a little insulted. It had dawned on her that vampires were religiously biased- and what the heck was up with that?

Okay, so maybe there were more important bad things about vampires she could have focused on, like the fact that they killed people and sucked their blood and took away their souls, thereby condemning them to an evil eternity, even if they didn't WANT to be condemned to an evil eternity. But this particular part of vampires had been something Willow was unaware of until now, and the more she thought about it, the more it ticked her off.

Just why was it that vampires were only repelled by CHRISTIAN holy objects, like crosses or holy water? Weren't other religions just as good? Why couldn't she wave around a Star of David necklace or a pentagram- why didn't they scream and cringe away from HER religions? Why did there have to be Jesus in the factor for them to be afraid? What made him so much more threatening than Allah or Buddha or Hecate? What if she was Mormon, couldn't she wave her temple garments or something?

Stupid vampires with their stupid special hatred of Christianity. Even the evil beings were prejudiced- couldn't they hate every religion exactly the same as all the others?


	3. Father Lucifer

3. Xander, "Father Lucifer" (song by Tori Amos)

Xander had been dead serious when he asked Willow to give him tips on how to make himself gay.

Well, maybe not ENTIRELY serious- but at least a little part of him, the part not still desperately trying to cling to the little piece of pride that hadn't been entirely humiliated out of him over the years, had been. It made perfect sense to him. Willow was gay, after all, and no demons were ever attracted to her- or if they were, they were too shy or passive to do anything about it. Maybe gay female demons were like that, Xander didnt' know. But he wanted it.

There were no shy demons in his own experiences. It seemed that any female demon who discovered his single existence instantly made it her plan to make him her mate, no matter how much blood or dying that might cost him. Miss French, the praying mantis, Impata, the mummy, Anya the vengeance demon, and now this latest one he met at the hardware store... what was it about him that made female demons' horns break out th top of their skulls and set their red eyes glittering in glee? Was it his shampoo- was he using some brand that demons especially liked? It was just dandruff stuff- and the cheapest kind he could find!

Yes, Xander could definitely experiment with his gayer side... not that he HAD one, of course. What he meant was he should invent one, or get Willow to help him form one. Anything to break the Xander and His Demon Date curse.

But then again...what if it turned out male demons liked him too? With his luck, Xander's first gay date would be Father Lucifier himself.


	4. Weight of the world

4. Giles, "Weight of the world" (song by Evanescence)

It was his duty as a Watcher to guide his Slayer, to teach her and train her, to increase her skills and her knowledge of the demonic realm and species. It was his duty to protect her and watch out for her, to strengthen her in body, mind, and soul, to prepare her for the brutality that she would experience in her short life. It was his duty to know her limitations and weaknesses and to transform them into strengths, to prepare her for anything and everything she might be faced with in the future.

As Buffy's Watcher, Giles was called to dedicate his life to her and her training, to put her and her responsibilities, and his responsibilities to her and to his job, above everything else. He was called to educate her and to raise her, in a sense, to provide support and encouragement, but also discipline and drive. He was called as Buffy's Watcher to bind up her injuries and hear her reports, to listen to her visions and provide her with the information she needed to battle and to guide her in how to use it, in what she should do with it and what she shouldn't. He was called to give her orders and to expect total obedience, and he was called to form such a relationship with her that she would unquestioningly give him such obedience and respect.

As Buffy's Watcher, it was Giles's duty to care for her, to hone her to be her very best and strongest… but it was also his duty to know that it was not her life or its preservation, but her responsibility, in the end, to the world, that mattered. It was his duty to know he would have to see her die.

It was not his duty, not part of his calling, to love Buffy, to regard her as he would his own child…but Giles did. And for that reason, the weight of the world seemed constantly upon his shoulders.


	5. You don't know my name

5. Dawn, "You don't know my name" (song by Alicia Keys)

No one really knew her… no one really knew who she was, deep down inside, past all the masks, both physical and mental, that she had put up…that had been put up for her. No one ever would… not even Dawn herself.

How could she know who or what she was, when she wasn't even real? Everything she knew, everything she remembered…it had all been a lie, a fairy tale existence handed down to her by the same monks who had formed her. She wasn't a person, a teenager…she wasn't' a sister or a friend or a daughter. She was just… she was energy…a ball of energy. She was the Key.

No wonder no guys ever seemed to notice her… why should they, when she wasn't even there, wasn't even real? Why would anyone want to be with someone who wasn't really someone, that was really some THING? Could everyone tell… did everyone sense that she wasn't right, that she didn't belong? Could everyone feel what she really was, even if they didn't know it?

They told her all that she was, formed her life and memories, even her appearance…but what had she been like before? Had she even had a name- had she ever been anything but the Key?


	6. Cool

6. Cordelia, "Cool" (song by Gwen Stefani)

Cordelia Chase knew her place in the social climbing post of her high school, and she made sure everyone else knew it too. She was part of the in crowd… she was popular, a cheerleader, one of the cool ones… the ones all the boys wanted to date and all the girls wanted to be. And for good reason- I mean, who wouldn't want to considering all she had going for her?

She had great hair after all, styled by only the very best beauticians, and she only used model's products, not stupid store brand crap. She had a totally hot body, toothpaste commercial smile, only the most stylish and expensive clothes, and the money to pay for all of it. She had a brand new foreign car, a house with more rooms than she had use for, and boys making a fool of themselves to get her attention. What more could a girl ask for? What more could she possibly want?

Yes, Cordelia definitely knew where she fit into the scene of things, and if others were slow to figure out their own niche, she was more than happy to point them in the right direction. Some of them definitely needed her pointed guidance- the nerds, dorks, geeks, general all around losers, they tried to cross over into her territory sometimes, and that just clearly wouldn't do.

After all, a dorky nerdy geeky loser could never become popular. That just didn't happen- everyone knew that was impossible. But some of them were just so persistent, they kept trying, like they could change the rules all on their own. Please- very likely. What was their childhood trauma anyway? No one's position could ever change- that is, except to go down, of course. A geek couldn't become popular, of course… but a popular could become a loser, one of the others Cordelia had never been a part of, with one single mistake. Everyone knew it… and so everyone was looking, watching, even as they admired her, hoping to see her fail.

That was why she couldn't enjoy what she had, most of the time. That was why even as she laughed with Harmony and the others, cutting on the ones below them, Cordelia couldn't really have fun, couldn't really be happy. Even though she knew that right now she was in the clear, her cool status firmly secured…what if she did something one day so it wasn't? What if she was just as uncool, really, as the others?


	7. Mr Zebra

7. Anya "Mr. Zebra" (song by Tori Amos)

Anya didn't understand Xander's preoccupation and attraction to many of his possessions. Of course, she didn't understand many things about him, such as his aversion to her favorite, clearly delicious gourmet cheeses, or why he seemed quite unable to manage the level of coordination it required to correctly perform number 37 on the Kama Sutra. Even more incomprehensible to her was his love of Star Wars (stupid gold things with annoying voices and little green things with glowy sticks, come on), his army men (he got really mad when she stepped on one, even though it hurt HER foot), his GI Joes (wasn't that basically a doll for boys?) or why he insisted on wearing boxers rather than nothing (easy access) or at least those nice tight white pairs of underwear that wouldn't hide his penis so much from her appreciative eyes. No, Anya didn't understand any of that.

But this above all other things Anya didn't understand. It was just a silly stuffed animal, just a toy zebra with a missing tail, and that was more black and gray than black and white. But Xander was fiercely protective of it, for whatever indiscernible reason. He kept it hidden in his underwear drawer, as if it were one of those magazines with the pictures of slutty naked whore girls on the cover- which was exactly what Anya had been looking for, of course. She had been pleased to find that there were none, but this zebra- now that was a puzzle.

She had shrugged it off as another of Xander's oddities, and later in the day she had gone to retrieve it to use as a dust rag when she couldn't find any clean clothes. But Xander had walked in on her just then and his eyes had bulged with horror.

"Anya!!! That's Mr. Zebra, what are you doing using him to dust with?!"

He had rushed over and snatched the stupid floppy thing out of her hand, brushing it off and inspecting it closely. When she had stared, repeating the name he had apparently bestowed upon it incredulously, Xander had gotten all huffy and started in on her cheeses, and from then on it had been a rather angry zone.

Now, holding the newly restolen zebra in her hands, Anya stared down at it with a bothered frown, poking at its stupid shiny button eyes. What was it about this thing that Xander liked so much anyway?

She squeezed its middle, feeling the stuffing inside squash slightly, and then it came to her…among all this fat fluffy cotton insides… maybe Xander was hiding something. Maybe THAT was why he had been hiding it, why he had seemed to protective of it…maybe there was something inside. Maybe, since he had been so alarmed at seeing her with it, it was even something for her…jewelry? Money?

Beginning now to be excited, Anya hurried into the kitchen, digging through the silverware drawer for a sharp knife. She looked around herself quickly and then began to cut open the seam at the zebra's stomach, pulling out wads of stuffing as she went.

Two minutes later Xander's choked gasp sounded behind her, and Anya looked up, a frustrated, disbelieving expression stretching across her features. When he breathed out her name, seeming pale, barely able to form the word, Anya harrumphed, gesturing around incredulously to the stuffing piled behind her.

"Xander, this thing is really just a TOY, there is NOTHING there for me?! You are so WEIRD!"

With that proclamation she tossed it down and stalked away, leaving Xander gawking.


	8. Right here

8. Tara, "Right here" (song by Jeremy Camp)

She knows she won't be able to ignore it for much longer. She can't continue to shove it aside, to make excuses, to look the other way… she owes her more than that. If she's honest with herself, Tara owes HERSELF more than that.

What Willow's doing…the way she uses magic, and how often…it isn't right. Tara knows that, feels it, but Willow won't see… she can't see. Even if it ends up hurting her, taking over her, she still might not be able to stop…what if Tara can't get her to stop?

She's tried talking to her, tried reasoning, but nothing helps. Willow won't listen- she doesn't want to listen. She only believes what she wants to, and for once, it doesn't matter to her how Tara feels.

Tara is worried. She loves Willow so much, and she doesn't want to hurt her…but even more so, she doesn't want to watch Willow hurt herself. She can't…and soon she may have to take steps so that she won't be, if nothing changes. It's all that she knows to do.

She may have to leave, soon…but right here, right now, Tara lies close, listening to Willow's breathing, and prays that she will not have to, that tomorrow, today, Willow will see.


	9. Low

Story 9: Spike: "Low" (song by…is it TI? Lol)

Spike had endured his share of pain throughout both his life, short and pathetic as it had been, and his much longer and more satisfying unlife. He knew well the physical pain of the dying, of severe wounds, both from experiencing it himself and from observing the suffering he inflicted upon others. He endured it, even enjoyed it, and was no worse off for it. Physical pain was expected, anticipated, and handled accordingly.

It was the emotional anguish that brought him to his knees. Betrayal…rejection… countless times Spike had felt the sharp pangs of unrequited love, had been cut loose and scorned from the object of his affection with no regard. Cecily… Drusilla… even his own mother, in a way. It seemed every time he trusted someone with his heart, presented them with his very soul, he was destined to be brought low once again.

The latest of these occurrences, of course, had been Buffy. He knew the girl had been attracted to him- she certainly couldn't deny the number of times she'd climbed into his bed, screwy in the head and heart or not. But every time she pushed him away, screamed at him how disgusting and worthless he was, that she was above him, whether or not he had shown it, Spike's undead heart had twisted a little bit more sharply in his chest. He had succeeded in seducing her, or maybe it was the other way around…but he would never be able to get her to love him, or even to give him more than a tiny fraction of all that she was- even one piece more than just her physical body.

Time and time again throughout their interaction with each other- for even now he knew he couldn't exactly refer to it as a relationship- Buffy had brought him low before her, showing him painfully exactly what he was and was not to her in his life. He had hurt because of her, for her, so many times that they had seemed to be one in his head.

But never before had Spike felt such agony, the need to prostrate himself on the ground, crying in bitter, gasping breaths, as this moment, as he kept his face averted, unable to look at Buffy's broken, lifeless body just a few feet away.


	10. Scar

Faith, "Scar" (song by Missy Higgins)

Faith could read her body like a road map, each of its permanent markings landmarks to specific moments of her life- moments that if she had her way, she would much rather kick out of her memory, for the most part. Then again, if she got rid of every sucky memory of everything she'd ever gone through, she'd end up with a Swiss cheese brain or something- huge holes where all the shitty stuff had been. Probably way more holes than cheese.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger…is that why she's a Slayer? Did someone up there not screw up after all?

Faith has stood naked in the fluorescent light of the motel bathrooms once or twice, looking at herself in the mirror and letting her eyes drift over each scar visible to her on her body, remembering, letting herself drift into sober mindset even as her fingers traced hesitantly over he slightly rough marks.

There's the typical ones, of course, the ones ever kid has- two chicken pox scars on her face, because of course Faith never was one to have enough self control not to scratch an itch, even today. Maybe especially today. There was the faint line on her ankle from practically slicing an artery open trying to shave for the first time when she was eleven, the small white line on her chin from falling off the jungle gym at school, and a few on her feet from wicked blisters (leather boots without socks were a no-go, she'd learned) and on her knees from being a tomboy and splitting her kneecaps open tackling people so much. Nothing out of ordinary about any of that- no one but her probably even noticed those kinds of scars.

But the others, those were the ones that Faith usually attempted to ignore, the ones she generally avoided touching, and shoved away the hands of any guy in bed with her who had the way wrong idea that it was okay for him to touch them. These were the scars Faith hadn't inflicted on herself… the ones that weren't an accident.

The cigarette burns on the back of her neck… the reason that for as long as she could remember, Faith had been too uneasy to wear her hair up for more than two or three times a year, in case someone noticed. The mark at her shoulder, where the bone had penetrated through skin- the reason, she suspected, that even as a Slayer, that arm seemed to be a weak spot, dislocating more easily than the other. The scar at her throat from Angelus's fangs… and the reminder still stretched across her stomach of the stabbing she had received from her own knife, courtesy of Buffy's hand.

All of these could be covered, and Faith did, wanting neither to draw notice to them nor to notice them herself. They were a part of her now, a part of her body, her person, even if she had welcomed none of them or the experiences that brought them about. She may not have asked for them, but they were hers.

She had wondered sometimes when she unthinkingly rubbed the back of her neck, or brushed a hand across her stomach, touched a finger to her shoulder, if anyone had scars that no one could see inside. Their brains, their hearts…their souls, if they were physical things too. Could that actually happen…and if it could, how the hell must hers look by now?


	11. I try

10. Drusilla, "I try" (song by Macy Gray)

She had tried so, so hard to be good to her pet, to make him smile and sing and tilt his head at her like a good little puppet. She had given him everything, the very best of her attentions, and still he defied her. She had sang to him and petted him, being very careful not to hurt him, for he was so very delicate. Drusilla had learned from the last time how very easy it was to crush her little friends, simply by petting him too eagerly. She had shared her blood with him in her favorite crystal goblet and showed him all the stars, telling him all of their names and promising that he could choose whichever he fancied to be his very own. And still he had rejected her. After only two days he had stopped singing, and nothing she did would make him respond to her as he once had.

Drusilla had tried to make him see reason. She had spoke to him, sang to him, and Miss Edith had tried too. She had shouted and shook him, she had cradled him in her hand and begged him to speak to her, and she had cried, telling him he could have his star right then, if he so desired. But he had not listened. Her poor pet, her poor, sweet little canary with the pretty yellow feathers, would not reply.

Spike had yelled at her when she told him of the pet's insolence, telling her she had not fed it. But Drusilla was sure that was not the reason for its demise. She had tried so hard to make it like her, to make her little pet happy. Why were they so very difficult and mean as to reject her?


	12. Better

11. Angel, "Better" (song by Plumb)

He knew he had to do it…but it didn't make it any easier. It didn't mean he could do it without pain, without guilt…without rapid thought that there might be another way, though he knew very well that there wasn't. this was how it had to be.

Angel had stood, firm and unyielding, as he told Buffy that he no longer wanted to be with her- a lie, as necessary as it was, of such magnitude that he was astonished she could not see through it to the anguish just below the surface of his eyes. He had watched her eyes widen, brimming with tears, her eyebrows slanting downward as she trembled, her voice small and young…and he told himself that it was what had to be. If he loved her- and god, how Angel loved her- then he would do this for her…to protect her. To give her the life he would never be able to give her, the life he would always darken by his presence at her side, in her arms…in her heart.

After everything he had walked away, as he had promised, leaving with no goodbyes. It was better that way…what he was doing was better, the best he could do for Buffy.

Then why did he still wish he could take it back, take her into his arms…damn the consequences, even if it damned them both?


	13. Mannequin

12. Oz, "Mannequin" (song by Katy Perry)

It wasn't that he didn't feel things, or that he didn't understand the intensity of other people's feelings. Oz felt as fully as anyone else at times. He knew what it was to hurt, to grieve, to worry, and on the converse side, to feel joy or envy or contentment. He had experienced it all- just not as often as most, and for some reason, it just wasn't something he was very good at getting across to others through his words or actions.

He had been accused before of being a stoner, someone too lazy or stupid or high to care about anything, and again on the converse side, of being selfish, cool, and uncaring about others…a mannequin more than a person. Of course, that usually came from people who didn't really know him, who didn't' see past the laconic replies and neutral expression that he nearly always presented to the world at large. Others had thought before that something horrible must have happened to him to make him relate to the world in the way he did, that his entirely laidback and noncommittal ways were a defense mechanism. But Oz had had a good childhood, a good life. There was the werewolf thing, of course, but that wasn't' anything he couldn't cope with.

This was just the way he was…there was no reason. Sometimes things in life just were.


	14. Quit

Riley Finn, "Quit" (song by Needtobreathe)

Riley Finn was not a man who liked to give in, to admit defeat under any circumstances. It was a measure of pride to him that he was someone who didn't buckle under when the going got rough, and a product of his upbringing, his military training, and his own personality that he had never before entertained the thought of doing so, even in his private thoughts. It was this perseverance that had got him where he was today…the head of the other men his age at the Initiative, one of the most trusted and experienced, and definitely one of the most dedicated to the job. It had been a rough go of it, particularly in the past year, but still Riley had stuck with it.

Riley Finn was not a quitter.

Then why did it feel so easy right now to follow the smiling female into the back room of the bar, banishing all thoughts of Buffy from his mind…why was it so easy to let her sink her fangs into his arm, to let her drain his blood and trust that she would not take his life? Why did it seem so easy to give in, to let Buffy get away?


	15. Home Now

Joyce Summers, "Home now" (song by No Doubt)

She did not grieve the loss of her life on earth, or even of those she loved who still dwelled upon it. She did not look at it as a loss at all- how could she have lost what she could not miss? How could she feel that something was missing when she felt so whole and filled from the inside out?

It was so different to be dead…it was to be nothing and everything, knowing but not worrying, loving with a completeness she had never experienced before. It was to be warm and safe and happy, to have total peace in herself and everything else, to know that it would all work out for the good in the end. It was to be finished, and to be satisfied with what she had done.

She did not worry about her daughters; they were never truly apart from her. She could see Buffy and Dawn at any given moment, feel them, and she knew they were well, knew that their deaths were no longer something she feared. She knew before long they too would have what she had, and she could think of no better wish for them, not greater reward for their efforts. She loved them enough to wait.

Joyce Summers felt no longing at all for the things of her former life, for this was what she wanted…she was home now.


	16. Artificial Sweetener

Wesley, "Artificial Sweetener," No Doubt

Sometimes it seemed to Wesley as though he cannot meet either of their eyes, for fear that they will see his true feelings, the true thoughts that lie behind the careful words and gestures he presents to the world. When he is around them he must hold himself carefully, keep control of every thought, think over each word before he releases it into the range of public hearing. This requires extraordinary discipline, something that Wesley had usually been able to produce without effort previously. But this was different. This willpower was not of his own desire. This control he was so careful of maintaining involved his heart.

Sometimes when Gunn touched Fred in front of him his lips thinned, this eyes flattening, and he had to turn his head lest they notice that something was amiss. He could hardly bear to look at Fred at all when she was near Gunn, to see her giggle, her eyes bright and happy as she looked up at him with such affection, hugging him, god forbid, even kissing him… he saw Gunn alone and felt a rush of rage, as though he could hurt him for taking what should have been his and feel only satisfaction from having done so.

He would never do this, of course… and usually Wesley was horrified by his own thoughts, did his best to rid himself of them. He would never jeopardize his friendship with Gunn, as strained as it felt now- and he would never put in danger the job he had with Angel Investigations.

But most importantly he would never do anything that he knew would hurt Fred. He would never force her into anything, never try to make her choose sides or feel guilty for her choice in love. She was happy, and Wesley wanted that for her, even if he himself could not be happy too. She felt special and loved, and that was what she deserved. And she was still his friend… he could never do anything to jar the only role he had left to her, the one thing he could cling to.

But still, sometimes Wesley felt as though his smiles would crack his face open, exposing the hollowness they hid inside… and sometimes he despaired at his ability to keep up the façade. He was as pleasant as possible, but he felt his every action to be merely artificial sweetener, a covering of the bitterness within.


	17. I need a man to love

Fred, "I need a man to love" (song by Janis Joplin)

All her life Fred had dreamed of the man she would one day meet, the man who would sweet her straight off her feet like all the girls in the fairy tales… the man who would love her more than anything in the world, and who she would fall in love with at last.

It had been exciting to think of this, to dream of her future love in her own mind. Fred had never exactly been a social butterfly, as a child and teenager- well, at any point, particularly, especially in the past five years, when social situations of any kind were an impossibility. Pylea hadn't exactly been a great place to make friends. Fred had never been the type to giggle at slumber parties with girls about dates and crushes and kisses- mainly because she wouldn't have had nearly as much to contribute. She had been a science geek, undeniably and unabashedly, and she had spent as much time dreaming of atomic transcendental theories as of kissing football players.

But she had still dreamed of doing so like any other girl, and she had still thought dreamily about her future wedding and who it would be that would become her mate for life. Hardly anyone had ever even glanced her way in high school, for she was a shy, skinny, gawky honors student with glasses, whose sense of humor often made people stare rather than laugh. But Fred had told herself in college, it would be different. In college, she would blossom. In college, she would be appreciated for who she was.

College was different, all right… or rather, the time immediately after it. Fred had been sucked into an alternate dimension and spent the next five years just struggling to survive, to maintain a hold of her sanity. She wasn't worried about men anymore, or finding love…she could barely remember other people existed sometimes.

But then had come Angel, bursting in with the others, so dark, tall, and mysterious, everything any fairy tale hero was supposed to be…and he had saved her. He had saved her, and Fred had dared to hope again that he was it, he was the one who would love her.

But he was not, and she wondered sometimes if anyone really would be. Still…Fred had hope now. If she could just bring herself to leave her room…


	18. Devoted

Gunn- "Devoted" (song by Lacuna Coil)

When Gunn loved someone, he would do anything to keep them safe, to make sure they remained taken care of. It was something he felt driven to do- to do otherwise would bring him no peace. But sometimes even his best efforts failed…and in those times, Gunn could hardly live with himself.

He had failed to protect his younger sister…despite all he had taught her, as fiercely as he had watched out for her and taught her to defend herself, Alonna had still managed to be turned. And it had been he, Gunn, who had to stake her. He had failed to protect so many of the people he called his brothers, the men who had been family to him just as Alonna had, and he felt the shame and pain of that failure even to this day.

But Fred… god, to have Fred, pull back from him now, disgusted, no longer respecting and loving him as she once had… it hurt Gunn with a pain he could barely endure each day. The way she looked at and spoke to him now, avoiding his touch…

He had only done what Fred had wanted- not allowing her to take upon herself the act of murder. He had been sparing her… but now she looked at him as a different person than the man she had loved.

He was so devoted to her, too much to let her go through such pain… but in doing so he had only managed to pain them both.


	19. Are you ready

Connor, "Are you ready" (song by Creed)

His face was still, his blue eyes cold, almost blank as he stared into the gentle night waves of the ocean before him. Despite it all, Connor felt no happiness, no joy, not even a sense of vicious satisfaction for his success in carrying out the vengeance of the man who had raised him as his son. As he gazed out from the dock into the darkened waters before him, he felt nothing.

It didn't matter what he felt, thought. He had done what was right…he had punished Angelus for his crimes. He could still see the shock in the vampire's face, the dawning panic in his eyes, as he had screwed the box tightly closed over him. The last thing the vampire had seen before dropping slowly, immobile, to the ocean's bottom was Connor's face looming over him, describing the torture of the rest of his existence.

Connor thought about this once more, imagining the years to come. His father would be unable to move, to speak, without the blood he so needed… he would simply lie alone, knowing he would not even have the release of death. Alone, and in pain for all eternity..

Connor just hoped he grasped this, that panic had not taken his mind entirely…he just hoped Angelus was ready to pay the price of his crimes.


End file.
